When you arrived a new city, I mean a totally different environment. Everything was so interesting. However after all these new feelings, it’s the suffering of the loneliness. Time was like stop on your Facebook, your phone book and all your social medias. You didn't have any one who you know before, no families, no friends or anyone who knows you. To this city London, you don’t exist.
However I do exist in this city! I do stand in this city and I feel so so so alone. Everyday I walk on the street, no one will make me stop, thinking whether I met him before or not. Don’t get me wrong I love to explore this beautiful city, but I was going to be swallowed by this hollow feeling.
As the result, to avoid myself sinking in this routine of sorrow. I try to recall all the stuffs I done everyday and all the people I met. To make the connection between London and myself. In this process of recall memories, I found out the people I felt familiar with were the owner of hotdog shop or the faces on the advertisements in tube stations. By this journey of recall, all the faces mixed into one person. I used the material I familiar with to remember every faces. They don’t really exist in reality but they exist in my brain. Just like I don’t exist in London but you can find the footprint I left.
However, after I did this work for a while. I felt so anxious because I thought I was not improving myself, I just seeking for safety by using marker pen. I was frustrated and felt a shame, even want destroy all these works. Meanwhile time kept running out. If I could not get the MA course’s offer in this year. Then I need to go back to my country. This gave me a lot of pressure, but as an artist I can not be defeat by this pressure. I must try to use it to create an art work.
To use this emotion as an element for art work, what I thought about was having a conversation with myself. I recorded the movement when I felt anxious or nervous, forcing myself to watched how I agitated everyday. This action was not only the way I talked to myself but also the method I tried to buried my feeling of anxious. Day after day I continue this conversation. At the same time I still wondered whether I should give up the work about loneliness.
In the end, I realised that both the anxious of time and the feelings of loneliness were my thought of London. It was ok if I could not think about some deep theories or the meaning of art because I was full by the feeling of new environment. Using something familiar when I felt scare or loneliness, tried to talked to myself when I felt anxious all these were human nature. It is the process to get used to a totally different place. All these drawing about loneliness, video about anxious and myself have form a space of all my feelings. By this area of feeling, maybe I could find peace inside.
